Does anyone else have a constant narrative of their life running through their head? All. The. Time. And not just a “list of all the things I need to do” kind of narrative, more of a “this is what I was thinking when this happened” or “this is how I think this conversation should go” or “I wonder why I feel like this when that happens?”
Is it because I started writing, and now my brain can’t stop? It is a constant state of “I have to write this”. But then I get to this point, where I am right now at 7:37 pm and the words start to swim in front of my eyes and Netflix seems very appealing. So I’ll keep it short, and maybe actually get this post finished, tonight.
It doesn’t help that I have been listening to, and reading, a whole bunch of “self help” type stuff lately. Today, after a full day of accessibility meetings (and another episode of Goal Digger – thanks Michele), I started wondering if anyone hosts podcasts on “you are good enough just as you are”.
Why do we always have to be better than what we are or where we are at? Don’t get me wrong, Jenna Kutcher is great, and her podcasts are so packed with information you’d have to listen more than twice to get it all, but back-to-back “you have to be better at: Instagram, decision making, relationship building, hiring a team, not making mistakes…” I could go on. I know, I really should stop listening to so much back-to-back Jenna. I have moments where what she is saying makes sense, and those that I just feel, well, “aren’t I good enough?”
I’m also feeling down about my body. It happened, this morning, that a shirt I wore three years ago does not fit, like, at all. Which I should be fine with, it was three years ago and, because it’s not knit. You see I decided about two years ago that I would only buy shirts that were knit – my shoulders and arms just don’t fit in something that is not. But this shirt didn’t even have sleeves!
But now I’ll put on my accessibility hat and ask the same question. Would “good enough” for grab bar locations or reception desk height or customer service ever be “good enough”? Nope. Not for me. Especially when it means sitting in my chair for the afternoon lacrosse game on the dress that just got dragged through the toilet water because of the transfer that I missed due to the too-low grab bar which caused me to whack my knee on the sharp edge of the toilet paper holder that was also in the wrong place. [I know, run-on sentence, but for effect.] Story of my life.
This is honestly not a request for “Julie you are awesome just the way you are” comments. Really. I’ve just got to write it down so that it stops rolling around in my head.
This evening I have been trying to remember if my pre-collision brain used to be like this. I have no idea. It is quite exhausting. I wish it were just lists.